Being selfish

The other day, I asked my 12-year old. 'How much is one hour worth, in dollars to someone that's 12 years old?'

She said she didn't understand the question, and so I tried to ask the bigger question.

'Is one hour of time worth the same to a 12-year old, as it does to an older person?'

She said she still didn't understand.

But I do.

And so do you.

This hasn't been a great year for me, I've had some real struggles, and they persist. I find myself dreaming of 'escaping' as I've posted before. I've posted memories of years past, I suppose in a way I'm getting to grips with my mortality. You have to understand, I never expected to make it to thirty, let alone twice that. I just always expected some of the dumb stuff I used to do would catch up to me, and that would be the end of the road.

But here I am.

I used to wonder how all those old people worked their entire lives, and saved their money to retire, and then found they were too busted up to be able to enjoy any of those remaining years. I used to think they were fools. I guess a part of me still thinks that way. But on the other hand, I think I understand that the retirement thing is a goal, you get there, and you take whatever money you've saved, with however much health you have left, and you try to live out your remaining years as comfortably as you can.

I want to go into the the hereafter with a mountain of memories, and few dreams.

That's why I talk about escaping, and adventures, and so on.  I've got health issues, but none so great that I can't get around. I feel like I'm in a race to embark on those adventures, before the health stuff becomes a bigger part of what I can, and can't do. At the same time, I feel selfish, because I'm now at the point where I'm not letting my family determine whether or not we go on these adventures. I'll go on them by myself.

Sure, I want to have these shared experiences. I want to sit on the couch in the middle of a January blizzard, and laugh remembering how the went to a special place, and had an incredible time, and there wasn't a snowflake in sight. I want my memories, to be memories my family has as well.

But they are absolutely content to stay huddled in our home, and pass the days, the weeks, the months and the years.

I'm not.

So while I'm no fan of the 'New Years Resolution' stuff, 2023 will welcome a more selfish version of myself. I'll have my adventures, I'll go places I've always wanted to go, I'll see things I've always wanted to see, and I'll experience things that have forever seemed almost impossible to experience. I'll do these things by myself, and I'll have these memories that may end up posted here, and maybe we'll share them together, whoever you are. Maybe they'll just be memories I keep close, for myself. But I feel like it's better for me to be selfish now, than to be resentful, that I let others determine how much of life I missed out on later.

Life and relationships are a compromise, I know this as intimately as anyone else, trust me, but 2023 will start with an entirely different mindset for me. I hope it all turns out like I hope it will, but that's up to me, and nobody else.

So call me selfish, but give me a nod in that I'll be adding up those memories, instead of resentments along the way.